Hidden Frustration

Maggie loves to do things herself. In fact, in her mind she NEEDS to do things by herself.

Example A. This morning she wanted an english muffin. She was already seated at the table and had her milk and cereal, which came to the table in the wrong order and caused screaming. Sigh. I cut the muffin in half, placed them in the toaster and pushed down the lever. She hears the lever go down. "I want to do it! I want to make the english muffin!" she screams. "Calm down and hurry over here then." I say and push the up button so she can come pull the lever down herself. She gets to the toaster, which is not a quick process for my little blind one. It takes at least twice as long as it does for my son. She has to climb out of her booster seat, find her way around the table and into the kitchen. Doesn't sounds like a lot but those little things add up and we're on a tight schedule. She realizes the muffins are already cut and in the toaster and just melts down, crying about how she needs to do it. I cannot uncut the muffin so that you can do it. Even if I could I wouldn't. It's ridiculous.

Example B. There are more incidents than I can count of Maggie wanting to get her own toilet paper after using the potty. Great! Yes! Please, learn how to do this all by yourself. The toilet being full of paper because she doesn't realize she's unrolled it all is more than a little frustrating. And gross. She's been put on time out from getting her own toilet paper on multiple occasions.

Example C. We are making cookies, which she thoroughly enjoys. And I love that she likes cooking. So I find ways and things she can help me with. She loves the measuring and pouring and mixing.  Maggie touches, and sometimes tastes, each ingredient before measuring and adding it to the bowl and turning on the mixer. After the dough is all mixed she LOVES snitching some, especially when we've added chocolate chips.

It's so adorable and such a neat experience for her. A part of me hates it.

I really dislike messes. Now, don't expect my house to be all clean, because it's not; but in certain things where I can contain the amount of mess made, I like to do that. I need to do it. Painting should remain only on the paper. I hate sidewalk chalk because it get's all over your clothes and body. Craft supplies need to remain in an orderly organized fashion so that everything can be found and appropriately utilized. And I want clean counters while I cook.

This results in a very uncomfortable experience for me while cooking with Maggie. I want her to learn and enjoy it. But my chest tightens and my throat constricts with every egg she gets half in the bowl and half on the counter and every grain of sugar she spills on the floor. Every time she puts her hand into the flour container then pulls it out and brushes the excess onto every thing around her I want to scream. I usually have to stop for a second during some part of our cooking time to remember to unclench my teeth.

In her efforts to feel and experience what we're doing Maggie's small adorable hands inevitably get into something gooey or just in the way of me seeing what is going on and getting things situated just so. I don't want to feel this way. I don't want to be so physically angered by her need and desire to experience life and to do it her way and by herself. So I keep it in. I walk away when I need to and I have my husband help her finish up whatever was bothering me. I can't let my anxieties stop her from learning and living.

I will continue to work hard at enjoying our experiences and at helping Maggie to learn and understand that there are times when it's ok to let other people help you. I need help sometimes too.